I have been wanting to tell this story since November 20, 2019..but its taken me until tonight to decide where to start.
On November 19, 2019 I had a Dr. appointment with my Primary Care Physician. When I walked in they handed me the new depression screening paperwork. I answered all the questions “yes” except the last one which asked if I ever considered ending my life..That one was a “no”.
When the Dr. walked in, that short test I took was at the forefront of my mind. She asked how I was doing and I told her through tears that I was sick and tired of being depressed. Right up until then I thought I was doing okay with this grief thing. I had been through 3 years of my Husband’s illness and subsequent death; It has been almost 8 years since he passed and I am still seeing a grief counselor as needed and taking 2 anti-depressants. I thought I was doing as well as could be expected. Obviously not, as I was losing it right there in front of my Dr..
She handed me the box of tissues as I lamented the fact that I couldn’t make a decision, didn’t want to leave my house, didn’t want to go to church or choir practice..I was really in the throws of a sickness called Depression..I could fake it enough to still work because being around my co-workers and clients brightened my day, but when I had nothing on my calendar I was very unmotivated.
After I dried my eyes she mentioned that there was a new drug that was being used as an add-on to treat severe depression and had been very successful. I perked up at that news and she continued that it could be taken on and off without going on a step down dosage. Again, I was interested. She prescribed the lowest dosage available and told me to take it before bed. She also told me to call my Therapist and make an appointment as soon as I left her office.
I picked up the prescription and took it that night. I knew as my doctor told me, it would take some time to see results. When I awoke the next morning, all I can say is it was a miracle. My head was clear, I felt excited for the day, all I wanted to do was hop out of bed and start living. Furthermore it felt like tiny file clerks had been up in my brain overnight rearranging everything and putting it back where it belonged. Does that make sense?
There have been side effects, and I adjusted to them and they went away. I feel pure unadulterated joy over sunrises and sunsets, everything in life that I had taken for granted. No more stumbling through life, I am an active participant. To those of you who haven’t experienced depression, it is probably hard to understand. A few days after my miracle I was in the shower and feeling so good about my new life when I suddenly started sobbing. Sobbing out of joy and being thankful and also sobbing over the fact that it took 69 years for me to fully feel alive. Sad, right?
I am determined to live the rest of the time I have on earth to make a difference and enjoy each day to the fullest. And I am also here to encourage everyone out there who may be suffering from depression to not stop seeking treatment for it and not to think it isn’t going to get any better.
Depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance and very treatable. Nothing to be ashamed of. Go get help and change your life. God Bless you all.