This morning I woke up with Flash the corgi’s cold nose in my ear and wondering where in the Sam Hill I stashed my Absentee Ballot I was ready to use the day before and could not find. I clearly remember getting it in my mailbox a couple of weeks ago along with, of course, an armful of large full color political campaign postcards. Hmm, let’s see, there were a few places I could have stashed it. I had checked all three, a kitchen drawer where I kept receipts and coupons, a wooden wine box in my living room and a tray that held stamps and envelopes and my checkbooks. I did this three times for each one. No luck. While still in bed, I continued racking my brain and decided I better make some progress toward leaving my comfy bed and a word flashed through my mind (perhaps the place I put the ballot?) nope. The word was compendium. Huh? That’s right, nothing to do with anything. I can safely state that never have I ever used that word in a sentence. Okay, I really needed to take the dogs out and rustle up their breakfast so I could get back to searching for my “absent” absentee ballot.

I dreaded having to mask-up and make a trip to the Oshtemo Township hall. Walking in with my tail between my legs and explaining how I misplaced my ballot and could I maybe get a replacement? All the time looking around to see if anyone there heard me and being quite embarrassed. It’s such a pain trying to do everything safely during this Covid stuff. But I would put on my “big girl” under wear and do it if I had to, but I would be damned if I didn’t look everywhere before I did.

In the same vain, I got ready to head to the township hall, but decided to check my recycle container (it’s the same size as my Herbie Curbie for my garbage) one more time. Pulling each scrap of paper out and putting each in a box. Thinking it HAD to be in there, I had run out of places to look! Seeing as I am vertically challenged, I had to lay the container on it’s side to finish looking. I was getting close to the bottom and feeling kind of defeated when I reached the lower right hand corner and I got excited, I couldn’t be sure, but maybe, YES there it was! I was euphoric and very pleased with myself to boot! I didn’t have to go anywhere except back to the house and vote…..before I lost it again.

Oh right, about the word compendium. Just for shitz and giggles I googled the definition and found: A collection of concise but detailed information about a particular subject, especially in a book or publication. So that was totally random. But when I saw the words concise and detailed it reminded me of how since I had to stop taking my “miracle drug” for depression, due to adverse side-effects, not much has been clear and concise in my brain. Instead, I imagine my mind resembles a Jumanji board. You know where the board comes alive and all of a sudden you are being chased by a rhino or a tiger and you can’t escape.

My name for this is panic attack. I’m working on it with an anti-anxiety drug and my Doctor and Therapist. I’m not crazy, I am lonely. And I’m not the only one. I so long to be close in proximity to my Son and my Grandkids. The dogs help, but our conversations are a little one-sided.

Now that I actually know what is going on I can be under better control of it. I have decided that I will treat myself when I have my coffee with Biscotti and not worry about indulging. Showing myself some love and looking forward to moving down South. It brings joy and peace to my day.