On Being A Widow

It is November 14, 2012, six months to the day I lost my Husband.  These past months have been filled with all sorts of emotions for me.  Emptiness, pain, sadness, loneliness to name just a few.  I am trying to adjust to being alone although it is not easy.  On Monday of this week I woke up feeling very sick.  I had a terrible headache, dizziness and felt quite nauseous.  I am not a person who likes being alone when I am sick.  For the last 30 some years I have had Sam who would do anything possible to help me feel better.  Needless to say not this particular day.   I was so sick I could not drive, so I had to rely on my family and hope they had the time to help me out.  Lesson learned?   Keep this stuff on hand.
So, at a time when I am actually loving this place again, I am seriously re-thinking selling the house.  It is a sixty mile round trip journey to Kalamazoo.

I find that I am much more industrious now that I am alone.  In an effort not to sink in a valley of tears
keeping busy is the secret.  It doesn’t work all the time,  as some of my friends will attest to, after receiving calls with me on the other end, just needing to talk.  I am back to work selling real estate and there is something very comforting about seeing old collegues in a familiar setting, after so much change.

Here is another thing I have learned, grief cannot be handled alone.    You must reach out to others be they professional or not, but I recommend experts.  If you don’t connect, go elsewhere, but keep trying.  At some point you must emerge from the darkness, it is what your loved one would want.  You must go on living your life, even though you only want to be with them.

I haven’t changed my marital status on Facebook, or taken off my wedding ring.  I still tell him good morning and good night.   I so miss the guy in rose colored glasses I met 33 years ago at the “Y”.

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