This is the third Sunday in a row that I have not attended Mass. In my warped little mind, I rationalize it with “I’m easing into my new environment.” When in reality, I am scared. Why should I be scared? It is the Catholic Church for heavens sake. I have been a member ever since I was six weeks old. The service is virtually the same everywhere you attend.
Change is not easy for me, even though I do it all the time. I am a very self conscious person, feeling awkward and conspicuous , whenever I go somewhere new. My husband puts it another way, that I am very conceited thinking that everything is always about me. I beg to differ with him. It is actually a feeling of inferiority.
When I enter a new world I feel that I don’t belong, that everyone knows I don’t belong and they are somehow passing judgment on me. Weird, huh!? Obviously, I need to work on this problem. No amount of anti-depressant has helped so far. Looking at it here on this page helps a little. When I talk about it I realize how perfectly absurd it is, but there is something within me that keeps me from getting out. But I digress.
I have turned the salvation of my soul into a social occasion, putting the focus on myself rather than our Lord. Like my Dad, I do love a party. But in order to be comfortable, and enjoy the party, I need to feel accepted. It took me three and a half years to ease into high school for crying out loud. I finally felt accepted and started having fun my senior year. All I need to do is take the first step to get the ball rolling, but the older I get, the harder it becomes.
Here in northwest Chicago land there are so many people and so many churches. Call it fate, but right around the corner from our townhouse is a HUGE Catholic church. Holy Family Catholic Community. Sounds nice doesn’t it? A community, not a church. Interesting. They have two Masses on Saturday night, six Masses on Sunday (two Polish Masses). It is nearly impossible to come up with a viable reason for missing church. ( And it’s in my back yard for Pete’s sake.) So I have decided, no more excuses, we will be attending Mass on Sunday( or Saturday night) checking out the choir situation because I still love to sing and it is a good way to make friends.
If you are reading this Mom, I am not in danger of falling away from the church or becoming an Easter Bunny or Santa Claus (those who only attend on Christmas and Easter). I love my faith and hope God understands all my eccentricities and foibles. He knows what is in my heart and I will renew my commitment to serve the Lord in any way I am able.